Just a Joke

QuickshiftZ

QuickshiftZ

Well-Known Forum User
A nun was sitting having a bath when she heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked. "Blind man" came the reply, "can i come in?". The nun considered this for a moment and decided, since he was blind, that it would be OK. She jumped out the bath, opened the door completely naked and let the man in. "Where do you want the blinds, love?"

I know its an old one but i was bored.
 
A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting outside the pearly gates.
Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question. St Peter turns to the teacher.
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."
The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic." St Peter lets him through the gates.
He then turns to the dustman and asks: "How many people died on the ship?" Unfortunately, the dustman has just seen the DVD.
1,228," he answers. "That's right! You may enter."
St Peter then turns to the lawyer. "Name them."

Really bored.
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

“And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."






I should probably be getting back to work now.
 
One more then back to work


A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."

Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead. His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."
 
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

"No, it kills them" was the reply.
 
News flash:

A freight plane carrying old Japanese gearboxes explodes in mid-air.

Witnesses say it was raining Datsun cogs.















Is that my taxi?:eek:
 
Paddy wins £6000000 on the lottery. Camelot go to see him and say "look we're a little bit short of the readies, can we give you £3 million this week and £3 million next week?"
Paddy replies "look if you're going to f--- me about just give me my pound back"
 
A penguin took his car to the garage fearing a problem. The mechanic asked the penguin to leave the car with him and come back in half an hour. Being a sunny day, the penguin went for a walk, eventually coming across an ice cream van. After ordering a 99 the penguin tried his best to eat it but, due to only having flippers, ended up covered in ice cream. By the time he was finished it was time to back and collect the car. When he went back into the garage the mechanic said, "Well its not too bad, but it looks like youve blown a seal". To which the penguin replied, "No, no it's only ice cream!"
 
Feel free to post your own jokes you lazy Zedheads. Ive been sitting in front of this computer for 65 hours now thinking these up. Seriously.
 
Paddy and Seamus were walking through the forest when they see a sign that says, "Tree Fellers Wanted: Excellent Pay." Paddy turns to Seamus and says, "If only Mick were here!"


And another one


Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, ''Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go.''
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
''Howard, you're a veterinarian...''
 
An elderly man was driving down the motorway when his mobile phone rings. It was his wife.
"Arthur, I thought I should warn you!" she said. "I've just heard a newsflash on the radio saying there was an idiot going the wrong way down the motorway you are on!"

"One?", he exclaimed. "There's hundreds of them!"
 
A farmer gets a call from his farmhand............



'I've just ran over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor and it's still alive. What do I do?'


'Go into the farmhouse, get the gun and shoot it



and bury it..............



Farmer gets another phone call.....



Done that, Boss.



now whast do



I do




with



his



speed camera?
 
Q. What's the difference between Zed drivers and F**d drivers?

A. Zed drivers wash their hands AFTER going to the loo!:devil:




I know that there are more obvious reliable and unreliable cars for that joke, but what the hell!
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
 
German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz aund kneez."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic.


She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.


The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps -- "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German,







scroll.









Four-sprung duck technique
 
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