Just a Joke

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
Why don't Nissan make computers?
They couldn't work out how to make them leak oil!

What do you call 240Z with dual exhaust?
A Wheelbarrow!

How do you double the value of a Z car?
Fill it up with petrol!



Sorry guys but i couldn't help myself!
 
Ok this is really bad but It always makes me laugh.

This guy is in a club when he bumps into Mary poppins, after buying her a few drinks he convinces her to come back to his hotel room.
After a night of steamy sex he asks if she would like a breakfast of her choice with a bottle of bubbly.
Yes she replies, " I would like some cauliflower cheese with two poached eggs on top"
Ok says the guy no problem!
The food and drink is brought up to the room and they get stuck in. Room service return to collect the plates,
"Sir did you enjoy your breakfast?"
"yes" replies the man
"Miss, how was your breakfast?"
Mary Poppins replies, "Super cauliflower cheese but the eggs were quite atrocious"
:D
 
100 years ago, 20 white guys chasing a black guy was called the KKK...














Now it's called Formula 1.
 
I liked the Nelson Mandela joke so I sent it to my Sister, she said Soooooo...why doesn't Nelson Mandela have a "comedy" accent?
:)
 
Michael Barrymore was asked if he was going to do pantomime this year.
"No", he replied, " I did A lad in 6 years ago and that was me finished"
 
Whoaaahhhhhh

:devil:

Young lad catches his dad putting a condom on and says:

'Daddy, what are you doing?'

Dad obviously taken aback answers:

'Oh er, erm I'm, er, nothing son. I'm off to catch a mouse!'

Boy says:

'What you gonna do Dad, shag it?'
 
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
 
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"
 
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.

The barman says "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything"....
 
I was at the zoo the other day, and stopped off at the big cat's enclosure to watch this huge male Lion.
It was lying in the sun, doing absolutely nothing but having frenzied bouts of lickin his a***hole!
After watching this for about 10 minutes...I spied a passing zookeeper and complained about the docility of this specimen and asked if it was on drugs, the tranquilising variety?
He replied, " No Sir, that in fact is one of the most ferocious beasts in captivity in the Northern Hemisphere, in fact, not more than an hour ago, it dragged Tony Blair through the bars and devoured him completely!!!"
I was taken aback at this and then asked, "Why does he keep licking his a***hole all the time for then?"
He said........"Poor bugger's just trying to get the taste out of his mouth!!!!"

Rock on tommy

The Alligator
 
Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
Duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the fook would they want with a plasterer?
 
Duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the fook would they want with a plasterer?
 
The invisible man married the invisible woman and they started a family. The kids weren't much to look at either.
 
Muslim terrorists were today arrested for trying to drive a car into the wall of the Ulley reservoir nr. Sheffield which was recently damaged by the floods.
Police are afraid it might be the start of Ramadam
 
Can anyone recommend a good body repairer in the South Yorks area? My 240Z has been hit in the rear by one of those new Skodas. There's sponge and cream everywhere
 
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. After while one turned round and said "It smells fishy round here"....
 
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