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Just a Joke
- Thread starter QuickshiftZ
- Start date
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
What's the difference between a terrorist and a bucket full of crap?
The bucket.
The bucket.
Quagmire
Well-Known Forum User
Ok here goes... perhaps not one for the ladies.
A woman asks a male friend how she can increase her breast size easily.
the friend replies "rub some toilet paper between your breasts once a day and see if that works".
She tries this for a week and nothing happens, when she goes back and tells him he says.
"Thats weird, it's worked wonders for your arse..."
A woman asks a male friend how she can increase her breast size easily.
the friend replies "rub some toilet paper between your breasts once a day and see if that works".
She tries this for a week and nothing happens, when she goes back and tells him he says.
"Thats weird, it's worked wonders for your arse..."
malcolmpaul
Well-Known Forum User
45 people at Dublin airport today have been glued by their feet to the floor.
Latest reports would indicate that an Irish muslim had let off a No More Nails bomb
Latest reports would indicate that an Irish muslim had let off a No More Nails bomb
Tony 260Z
Club Member
A woman with a baby goes in to see the Doctor.
"Hello," says the Doctor, "what seems to be the problem?"
"It's little Tommy here." says the woman, "We're rather worried about him. He doesn't seem to be putting on any weight."
The Doctor examines the baby and finds that yes, he is a little bit underweight. He turns to the woman and asks her to take off her top and bra, which she does. He examines her breasts very carefully and thoroughly and then asks her to put her clothes back on.
"Well," he says, "Tommy is a bit underweight. Not badly, but you were right to bring him in. I think I know what the problem is though. I'm afraid you're not producing any milk."
"I know that," said the woman, "I'm his Grandmother. But I'm ever so glad I came..."
"Hello," says the Doctor, "what seems to be the problem?"
"It's little Tommy here." says the woman, "We're rather worried about him. He doesn't seem to be putting on any weight."
The Doctor examines the baby and finds that yes, he is a little bit underweight. He turns to the woman and asks her to take off her top and bra, which she does. He examines her breasts very carefully and thoroughly and then asks her to put her clothes back on.
"Well," he says, "Tommy is a bit underweight. Not badly, but you were right to bring him in. I think I know what the problem is though. I'm afraid you're not producing any milk."
"I know that," said the woman, "I'm his Grandmother. But I'm ever so glad I came..."
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day.
Yes, I was dicing with death!
Yes, I was dicing with death!
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
Whats the difference between a truck full of terrorists and a truck full of sand?
You cant unload sand with a pitchfork!
You cant unload sand with a pitchfork!
the alligator
Forum User
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son"
Bad Hair Day or what
(Rock the crock) Cheers The Alligator
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son"
Bad Hair Day or what
(Rock the crock) Cheers The Alligator
malcolmpaul
Well-Known Forum User
45 people were glued to the floor at Dublin airport today when an Irish Muslim terrorist let off a No More Nails bomb
malcolmpaul
Well-Known Forum User
A black guy walks into a pub and orders a pint. "Sorry Sir", says the barman "we don,t serve coloureds but there's another pub 10 minutes down the road which may be able to help you".
"But i'm Linford Christie", protests the man
"Well allright then", says the barman, "5 minutes down the road
"But i'm Linford Christie", protests the man
"Well allright then", says the barman, "5 minutes down the road
Tony 260Z
Club Member
EVER WONDER where we are headed...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.......I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.......I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
QuickshiftZ
Well-Known Forum User
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q:What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
A: He sold his soul to Santa
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q:What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
malcolmpaul
Well-Known Forum User
It is not generally known that George Bush likes doing jigsaw puzzles. He completed the latest one in 3 weeks. "Jeez", he boasts to his advisors, "I finished that in only 3 weeks and it says on the box 3 to 5 years"