Stole this from Church of L series. Too funny to not share!
For all those Catalog Craving Silver Bullet Builders, FINALLY the Normally Aspirated “Stage System” Explained Fully:
STAGE 1: this is the stock cam reground on a used billet but with different lash specs and a different base circle, designed to maximize profit by requiring you to buy the entire “Stage 1 Upgrade Kit” consisting of springs, lash pads, retainers, rockers, etc. Lose 3-5 hp under the curve but picks up 8-10 between 6,350 and 6,500. The old billet cracks in two at 12,050 miles in-use, you liked the “bump in performance” on your butt dyno you have been set up now for buying “Stage 2”.
STAGE 2: this is the same reground stock cam but with more lift and a different base circle once again. Therefore all the Stage 1 Springs, retainers, and lash pads won’t work, you need new ones. The timing of the valve events looks curiously like if you took your stock cam and ran it in the “3” hole. You run it in the “3 Hole” anyway because racecar and completely screw up the characteristics of the cam. As a result you have absolutely NO power before 4,000 rpms when the cam now “comes on” and rushes like crazy to a power peak at 6,800. Your dyno curve looks like a profile of young John Holmes in bed with a boner.
You convince yourself Webers are required. You buy Webers, but not a Cam Dynamics Degree Wheel or dial indicators. “Rabbit ears up” is good enough! You lose two lobes at 14,000 miles so why not upgrade?
Stage 3: throw away all the springs, retainers, and lash pads yet again. You question why the grinder won’t make these parts reuseable but at least they don’t cost as much as those goddamn rich running Webers. They definitely need this “Stage 3 Cam” to “use all the gas”, the guy selling the Webers and Cams said so! But because of how high this revs with all the new valvetrain stuff you bought again, you need to tear down and install forged pistons so they hold together on your frequent trips to 7,500. You buy a 4.38 so the time spent puffing black smoke and stumbling with your Webers before the cam comes on at 4,500 is really minimized. Your top speed is still 125mph but you swear it’s 160+ because the speedo now buries. Your 220 ft-lb torque peak is at 6,000, and you have above 200 from 4,000 to 7,800. Your horsepower now peaks at a staggering 175 RWHP and man those Webers sing up that high. You realize Centerforce Clutches have a very strange pedal feel as that new 9# flywheel drops rpms quickly as you declutch to shift. You rationalize mixing C16 with premium to drive the car. You’re getting 8-10mpg. At least this was a new billet. You thought “CWC” stood for “Cast Without Cracks” but at 17,000 miles when the cam has a torsional failure, cracking completely in two you realize it’s a sign from gawd to move up to Stage 4...
Stage 4:
More goddamn springs, retainers, and now valve seals. Gotta pull the slugs and cut even deeper valve reliefs. Machine shop screws it up and piston company that had “best price” tells you “they don’t sell singles” - maybe the other guys were the way to go? Machine shop dude smiles when he says “at least you got five spares now in case you detonate! Performance is staggering you now are almost to 200 RWHP. You convince yourself “the sound and sporting feel” and countless thousands spent on the same pieces four times is worth it and tell everybody at the club Dyno Day after the pimply faced kid runs his rotbox swapped 30+mpg 280Z up on the rollers and pumped a 230rwhp on a 225,000 mile junkyard L28ET Swap...
But all is not lost! You look in the parts catalogues and see they offer STAGE IMPROVEMENTS FOR TURBO CARS, TOO!
You sell the engine and buy an L28ET... repeat.
For all those Catalog Craving Silver Bullet Builders, FINALLY the Normally Aspirated “Stage System” Explained Fully:
STAGE 1: this is the stock cam reground on a used billet but with different lash specs and a different base circle, designed to maximize profit by requiring you to buy the entire “Stage 1 Upgrade Kit” consisting of springs, lash pads, retainers, rockers, etc. Lose 3-5 hp under the curve but picks up 8-10 between 6,350 and 6,500. The old billet cracks in two at 12,050 miles in-use, you liked the “bump in performance” on your butt dyno you have been set up now for buying “Stage 2”.
STAGE 2: this is the same reground stock cam but with more lift and a different base circle once again. Therefore all the Stage 1 Springs, retainers, and lash pads won’t work, you need new ones. The timing of the valve events looks curiously like if you took your stock cam and ran it in the “3” hole. You run it in the “3 Hole” anyway because racecar and completely screw up the characteristics of the cam. As a result you have absolutely NO power before 4,000 rpms when the cam now “comes on” and rushes like crazy to a power peak at 6,800. Your dyno curve looks like a profile of young John Holmes in bed with a boner.
You convince yourself Webers are required. You buy Webers, but not a Cam Dynamics Degree Wheel or dial indicators. “Rabbit ears up” is good enough! You lose two lobes at 14,000 miles so why not upgrade?
Stage 3: throw away all the springs, retainers, and lash pads yet again. You question why the grinder won’t make these parts reuseable but at least they don’t cost as much as those goddamn rich running Webers. They definitely need this “Stage 3 Cam” to “use all the gas”, the guy selling the Webers and Cams said so! But because of how high this revs with all the new valvetrain stuff you bought again, you need to tear down and install forged pistons so they hold together on your frequent trips to 7,500. You buy a 4.38 so the time spent puffing black smoke and stumbling with your Webers before the cam comes on at 4,500 is really minimized. Your top speed is still 125mph but you swear it’s 160+ because the speedo now buries. Your 220 ft-lb torque peak is at 6,000, and you have above 200 from 4,000 to 7,800. Your horsepower now peaks at a staggering 175 RWHP and man those Webers sing up that high. You realize Centerforce Clutches have a very strange pedal feel as that new 9# flywheel drops rpms quickly as you declutch to shift. You rationalize mixing C16 with premium to drive the car. You’re getting 8-10mpg. At least this was a new billet. You thought “CWC” stood for “Cast Without Cracks” but at 17,000 miles when the cam has a torsional failure, cracking completely in two you realize it’s a sign from gawd to move up to Stage 4...
Stage 4:
More goddamn springs, retainers, and now valve seals. Gotta pull the slugs and cut even deeper valve reliefs. Machine shop screws it up and piston company that had “best price” tells you “they don’t sell singles” - maybe the other guys were the way to go? Machine shop dude smiles when he says “at least you got five spares now in case you detonate! Performance is staggering you now are almost to 200 RWHP. You convince yourself “the sound and sporting feel” and countless thousands spent on the same pieces four times is worth it and tell everybody at the club Dyno Day after the pimply faced kid runs his rotbox swapped 30+mpg 280Z up on the rollers and pumped a 230rwhp on a 225,000 mile junkyard L28ET Swap...
But all is not lost! You look in the parts catalogues and see they offer STAGE IMPROVEMENTS FOR TURBO CARS, TOO!
You sell the engine and buy an L28ET... repeat.
